A Turtle is a high minded individual, who refuses to allow his/her mind to dwell in the gutter. A quality which may only be tested through rigorous questioning and initiation. (More on this later)


Once upon a time, many years ago there was a man who was of good and noble character; without a trace of impurity in his thoughts. Unfortunately all about him he saw persons with vulgar minds unable to think  of anything, except in sexual terms. He bemoaned his inability to find others with a similar high mindness, to his own. Like a turtle, he retreated into his shell.> Then one day, while partaking of a pint of ale (for purely medicinal purposes of course), he realized that there must be others like him. Forced into bars, and saloons; imbibing alcohol as a balm for the ills inflicted by obscene and vulgar persons.

He resolved to locate all the other pure minded individuals that he could, even if this meant spending his every waking hour crawling from one bar to the next. This was the beginning of the Turtles. He embarked upon this quest with vigor and determination, but, since he was a man of limited means, quickly ran out of money.

Then one day, he got a tip on a horse running at long odds at the local track. The problem was that he had no money left with which to gamble. So, in desperation he wagered his last and most prized possession a donkey which he had raised from birth.  Now this donkey was a particularly gentle and temperate animal, with a loving disposition. To lose his donkey would have been devastating, and yet what choice was there if the quest was to continue? Fortunately, he won the wager, and with the money was able to continue in his search for many more years, and begin the association of Turtles we know today.

And so, to commemorate this event, all members of this esteemed organization when asked, "Are You a Turtle?", must respond immediately without hesitation or fear of embarrassment, in a voice as loud and clear as the voice of the questioner: "You bet your sweet ass, I am" Failure to do so at anytime, will be penalized by having to buy a beer for everyone close enough to have heard the original question.


(Remember you are to answer these questions with a pure mind, free of all vulgarity and coarseness of thought. Any answers, which may stray from this ideal are purely the fault of your own imperfect reasoning, and not the fault of the questions) Note: It is assumed that individuals unable to correctly respond to these questions, are not necessarily foul minded but merely contaminated with the coarseness of daily existence. Administer a cleansing dose of medicinal spirits and re-ask the question. If there is still no improvement simply repeat as necessary.

To take the a test to see if you have what it takes to be a Turtle 

  Click on the Turtle 





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Revision Update by EPO: May 22, 2007.